


Home is where you aren’t

by shedmyskin



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Envy changes form when they’re unwell, Gen, Homunculi pretending to be a happy human family, and being terrible at it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-27 04:10:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21112412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shedmyskin/pseuds/shedmyskin
Summary: Ever turn into your true form when you’re tired? Siblings pretend you’re some kind of weird pet and make you into a YouTube sensation while your back is turned? Guess Envy’s not the only one, then. Come on in and meet this totally normal family of healthy humans - and one part time “lizard”.





	1. Chapter 1

“GREeeEeEEeeEEeed!”

The sharp, high-pitched shriek followed the tiny green creature all the way down the stairs, becoming more shrill and pointed each time they lost their balance and rolled down another step.

Greed adjusted his sunglasses, one part perturbed, two parts curious.

“That’s my name.” Came the sly retort - cut short by a quick thwack to the homunculus’ face with a surprisingly long reptilian tail.

“How dare you?! How dare you exploit me - Envy - for the attention of pathetic human scum like this?!” Envy’s tiny feet bounced up and down on Greed’s shoulder as they shouted in his ear.

“Hmm ...” Greed found himself poised as though deep in thought. “Oh, you mean the YouTube videos?”

The very mention of this served only to enrage the pint-sized homunculus even further.

“Don’t pretend you’ve forgotten!” Their tiny teeth ground against the corner of his jacket as they spoke, but their voice came out totally clear despite this. “You’re so damn smug! You know what you did!”

“Oh, right.” Greed blinked. “I mean, you got me there. I’m just a little stumped trying to answer your question is all.” He shrugged as though he’d already lost all interest. “How could I do that?”

Gripping his baby sibling by the tail as they squealed in alarm, he flashed a dark grin.

“Well, first off I made an account. The content practically made itself. Think of it like this, every day in your life is a misadventure waiting to go viral. There’s the time you fell in the toilet, the time you ate hot sauce thinking it was syrup,” The older sin trailed off as the smaller one squirmed furiously in his grip and gnashed at his fingers, “You gotta admit, I did try to warn you that time but you did it to yourself.”

“You’re the WORST!” Envy’s little legs wriggled frantically. “I’ll DESTROY you!”

“I’ll tell you now, the whole ‘you-having-a-voice’ thing wasn’t doing your online popularity bid any favours so I had to cut it. Replaced it with the sweet sweet sound of insects mating in the night.” He inspected his writhing sibling with some level of scrutiny. “You’re meant to be some kind of weird bug in this form, right?”

“I’m SO PISSED!!” Their whole body span round to pounce at him, jaws at the ready.

“Whoa, _acid tears_?” Greed’s eyes finally crossed paths with the newly made scorch marks on the countertop. “Not cool, Envy.”

Five long jagged spears shot out behind him at once, and he dropped Envy just in time to nearly lose one of his lives from sheer fright alone.

“Greed.” Lust’s cold, venomous smirk was the next thing he managed to take in. “Are you going to play along properly or do you need to be educated again? It would be a such a shame for you to be back in Father’s bad books so soon.”

“Sis.” He bared his own pointed teeth in some sort of lopsided grin he hadn’t quite bothered to master as Envy picked themself up one leg at a time, shuffling their whole body like a dog that had just climbed out of the water. “I know the drill. We’re playing house as a pack of weirdly feral humans out in the open - pretty bold move on pops’s part I have to say. Didn’t know the old man still had a spunky side. So tell me - what’s with cobbles? A lizard? A pet?”

A flash of green launched from the table and eight stubby limbs flailed simultaneously in the grip of Lust’s extended claws as the sound of more screaming filled the room.

“Yes. Envy, explain yourself.”

The small pile of legs and the two round eyes that were attached to them squirmed and squeaked indignantly, finally settling on a flustered retort. “I lost power, okay?!”

“We’ve been at this, what? A month? Take better care of yourself.” Greed’s voice took on a mocking edge that made Envy’s skin bristle. “So, what? Was it the lack of sleep or the stress that did it? What got the best of big bad Envy? Come on, don’t make me tuck you in, you big baby.”

“Are you out of your mind? Don’t make fun of me!” Envy’s eyes bulged furiously as they flicked the tip of their tail in disgust. “You’re the one the rest of us really ought to feel sorry for! You failed to find anything useful the last time you were called upon to be of help to Father, and now you can’t even act like a human right! Despicable Greed! You’re an utter failure! A walking disaster!”

Their brother shrugged his shoulders. “Sounds pretty human to me.”

“Both of you could really use some work.” Lust remained unimpressed. “Envy, sleep it off already. This is embarrassing.”

The tiny reptilian homunculus let out a squawk as they were dropped unceremoniously onto a spare couch cushion.

“Hey! Don’t be ridiculous! I need souls!” Their tiny toes kneaded the fabric as they spoke. In that moment they couldn’t tell if they wanted to rip it open just to spite the others or just keep wearing it down until there was no resistance left to be found. They sank into it reluctantly as Lust retracted her fingers.

“Greed. Come with me.” Her mouth twitched eagerly. “We have errands to run.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of came up with this on the spot this evening and rolled with it. Very unfinished. Badly needs a laugh track and a cheesy 80s opening if it’s going to survive.


	2. Chapter 2

Why didn’t you say so sooner?” Greed seemed to like to think the others didn’t notice when he rolled his eyes with his sunglasses on, but the lenses were impossibly small so this never really worked out for him. “Sounds like a real hoot.”

“What? _Greed_?” Envy couldn’t lift their legs fast enough to follow the other two out of the room. The front door clicked open while they were still teetering on the edge of their seat. “What about me? What are you trying to do without me? If it’s vital information you need then you’re not taking my size into account! I, Envy, can do an infinitely better job than Greed and-“

The haughty hint that caught in their voice drained away as the door shut.

“HEY! DON’T JUST SLAM THE DOOR ON ME! I STILL COUNT! WE’RE A COLLECTIVE BEING!!”

The tiny sin scoffed, curling up their lip in revulsion at the sight of the empty room and flattening dejectedly against the couch with a weary sigh. They’d show those arrogant snobs they had no place looking down on them when they were bigger again. They weren’t sure how, but it was going to happen. Imminent destruction of property wasn’t a part of Father’s plan. They weren’t _allowed_. What a pain.

The sight of Greed’s laptop on the coffee table caught their eye. The left eye, in particular, though they scowled at it with both. It was the sort of thing they could mess with while he was out and get away with it. Any complaints or attempts at revenge on his side would merely be brushed off as dumb whining and pettiness unbefitting of a powerful homunculus - which, of course, he wasn’t, but it was the expectation that mattered. It only felt _right_ to make him look bad in front of the others again. Strutting around like he owned the damn world. Greed needed to learn his place.

Envy snickered bleakly. What was their lame-brained sap of an older brother doing hoarding resources that served no purpose other than to entertain simple humans anyway?

“That’s easy,” They chuckled to themself as they wriggled their feet before sprinting through the air with their legs outstretched, finally falling with an artless plonk on the shut lid. They squeaked indignantly at the rough landing before they continued, their voice wavering now. “It’s because Greed ...is just as foolish ...and weak ...as they are.”

Finding an opening to lift the lid of the device was more of a chore. Their tiny fingers kept slipping as they struggled to prise the thing open, and they nearly slipped off of the table multiple times, disgruntled squeaks punctuating each and every failed attempt. “DAMN! Stupid! Thing! Do what I WANT!”

“I’m sorry, Greg, I didn’t quite catch that.”

The tiny homunculus, now with their entire head wedged between the screen and the keys, stifled a frustrated sob at the sound of the robotic voice. They weren’t going anywhere fast at this rate.

“SCREW. YOU. ALL!!” They howled finally. “I’M NOT GONNA DIE LIKE _THIS_!!”

The device finally toppled onto the floor with their tiny body still stuck inside it, but with a small flip and a smack from their tail, the two sides finally came open, making the screen visible and freeing Envy from its clutches once more.

What appeared on the screen initially was of no interest to the small homunculus. Human bodies. _Alive_ ones. Disgusting. Not that dead would exactly be any better. Was there a _good_way to look at humans? No. No, there wasn’t. Envy was hideous in this pathetic form, they couldn’t change that, and looking at all these morons and their two arms and their two legs and their hair was just making them feel like a total _worm_. Envy’s skin twitched at the sight of them. Fools - all of them - with their stupid looks and their stupid faces and their stupid bodies. They didn’t deserve to be here. No sooner had Envy found their tiny hand pressed against the screen where the humans’ faces were than they’d recoiled in horror with a hiss, tail poised and ready to flick those garbage human pictures in the head. Greed’s whole device needed to be burned and thrown in the trash. It was the only explanation.

His YouTube account would have been easier to find if they hadn’t needed to smack the keys so hard every time. Selfish humans making technology just to suit themselves. The whole lousy species must have been so smug when they thought that up. The homunculus had to shake off their hands after every fifth letter - it hurt when their fingers got stuck. And all the while Greed must have been laughing about them and bragging about how he made all this crap about them to Lust.

Would Lust be laughing? They refused to let their imaginary vision of her respond warmly to Greed. They _refused_. She told him he was being stupid, of course - no, she wasn’t that protective. She smiled politely and moved on - no. No, she wouldn’t laugh at them. She _wouldn’t_. They were being crazy if they thought she’d appreciate Greed’s stupid attempts to get back in their whole family’s food books. It wasn’t _happening_. No. No way. No way. And yet the corners of her mouth in their mind’s eye slowly began to curve upwards at the sound of his boasts, and it was like it was all unfolding right in front of them.

“COWARDS!” They fell on their back and kicked their little legs in the air. “Say it to my FACE!”

The sound of chirping insects drew their eyes back to the sight of the YouTube channel they now OFFICIALLY hated the most, making them shake even harder with rage. They coughed and hacked as they rolled back over. They were almost cackling at the thought of all the ways they could destroy Greed for his insolence at this point.

First they’d go to his contacts. They swiped the mousepad awkwardly up and down until the cursed thing finally went where they wanted. Poor stupid Greed, the only one of them who ever wanted to have idiot friends to talk to just for _fun_, as if he was too good for their family. Now he’d have _no one_.

The most recently opened chat popped up, full of moronic things Greed had been sharing back and forth with this idiotic human he’d picked up from who knows where. Pictures without context. Jokes no one could possibly find funny. His conversation partner seemed about as enthralled as Envy was furious. Well, mostly they just seemed to write a whole lot. Envy didn’t actually care to read most of what this human was saying. There wasn’t time to read two pages about a bridge. What was with all of these lackeys? And the jokes were really, really dumb - what was the point in finding a completely unrelated picture that claimed to look how you would look if something weird happened? Greed never looked like _any_ of these pictures anyway (one of them was of a cartoon cat), so that just made him a liar and a moron. Why did these guys find him funny? He wasn’t funny. Why was he even _trying_ to be funny? Why did he always have to think he was so damn _cool_?

_“Hey.”_ Envy typed.

_“Sup.”_ They added as an afterthought, letting out an irritable sigh.

What they were met with in response was a picture of a dog with the message “Sup” written in large text at the bottom. _Yes_, they groaned. _Very good, fool. That’s just what I said. We’ve already established that._

_“Now that that’s over with.”_ Came the next response, and Envy bristled noticeably. _What cruel god was everybody sacrificing these ugly pictures to if they didn’t even want to in the first place?_

_“You know. Actually ...”_

The little sin’s eyes bulged with anticipation as three little dots appeared to indicate this weirdo was typing. What was with the suspenseful message all of a sudden?

The little dots seemed to stop and start a few times - then they disappeared completely. Envy sat up, gazing up at the chat window. What was the big deal? What had happened? Did dog post guy go to make himself a coffee or something? Like it wasn’t obvious he’d just snubbed Envy. Well, Greed. Anyway, he’d missed his last chance to talk with a homunculus. Poor fool didn’t even know it. Failing to find a way to drop this contact in the trash, the small reptilian creature found themself lost in thought for a few moments.

_”Actually what?”_ They finally typed. Like Greed would play this game: he was a homunculus, he knew better than to wait on a lowly human. Even one he was going to delete anyway.

They watched with a small level of self-satisfaction as the message sent.

And then there was nothing.

Minutes had passed now. What the heck was going on? Was the dog man with Greed? Were they laughing at Envy right now? He’d told them, hadn’t he? They knew it was really Envy they were speaking to all along and now _they_ were just playing games with _them_. Envy growled a pained growl at the thought of being bested in such a stupid way. And even if they weren’t the whole thing was still messing with their head so much it was hurting. Ugh. Despicable humans. Stupid humans. Rotten _Greed_. Why did _Greed_ have friends?

_”So how about that video of that weird bug?”_ They hated degrading themself, but they wanted to know how angry they needed to be. The wait told them all they needed to hear, really. Their tail swished impatiently and their eyes narrowed in anticipation of the rude response they were in for. Their whole body shook - they weren’t cold, they just felt really, _really_ angry.

“Just you wait, Greed.” They spat, hating the irony of knowing that they were in fact the one waiting for something, and that something was a simple text message from a human about the viral YouTube antics they couldn’t find a way to delete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE SUSPENSE.
> 
> This little chapter was written in honour of Envy’s tiny little toes.


	3. Chapter 3

A sharp snuffling sound made Envy stir, and they realised through bleary eyes that the wavering computer screen was a lot closer and the dull shirt of it was a lot louder than they’d remembered.

Had they been _sleeping_?

How long had they been out? Had any of the others seen them like this?

Envy span around frantically, wiping the drool from their mouth as they glanced up at the screen they’d been inexplicably resting up against, not quite taking in any of the words they could see for some reason.

Their eyes stung. This was clearly what humans meant when they said you shouldn’t stare at a screen too hard. They’d pass that little tidbit on to Greed the next time he was in pain - the thought made them snicker, but it was short lived. A long response from the dog guy they just remembered they’d been talking to in his place had them blinking in surprise.

“I’m not a dog. It doesn’t suit me. I wouldn’t work under the misconception that I’m loyal, but then, dogs aren’t exactly loyal either, are they? Who do they serve? The one that feeds them, as we well know - and of course, in addition to this, they serve their own interests as well. It benefits their kind to form social groups and bond strongly with one another; it’s in their nature, just as it is in the nature of humans to do so. But that alone still does not afford you their undying loyalty. Don’t believe me? Get a dog. Then, does that make us the same after all? I thought you’d ask, so I took the liberty of getting the ball rolling pre-emptively. There are shades of grey beyond this false dichotomy which we’ve yet to explore, and I’ll gladly bring you along for the ride if you’re willing. Have you heard of Buzzfeed?”

“Ugh, that stupid human sent me to _SLEEP_!” Envy gripped their throbbing head and screamed. What was this? Why did they have to read it? Why did they read it from start to finish? Why did they read it twice? Why did they read it three times?

“Uggghhhh!” They hopped off the table in a huff, bouncing as they landed on the floor. It pained them to admit it even to themself, but the world was too big for their body right now; they longed to tower over its puny inhabitants again. What would that human say to that? Would he still have so many words? They felt the urge to physically get as far away as they could from Greed’s things before they threw up right then and there, crawling groggily along until they found they’d come face to face with a hole in the door built specifically for cats.

_No way._

This was _demoralising_. The outside? Really? What was so great about the outside and why were they going there? They coughed and sat up, letting the few cracks of sunshine hit them through the flap. _Why_ did they have this? This _thing_ was a safety hazard for a homunculus of their size. “Disgusting.”

They said it to nothing - to no one - but they felt it hit. How _dare_ they fall asleep? What was _wrong_ with them? They were just lucky Lust and Greed hadn’t spotted them. They probably would have skewered them awake.

A small shudder made their stomach turn. Forming ‘groups’ and ‘bonds’. It may have been for dogs and humans, but it wasn’t for their species at all. Homunculi were better than that from the first breath they took. Not that they needed to breathe like humans did. They were better than _that_ as well. It was just nice, was all. And they may have had separate bodies and separate desires but they shared a collective being. Homunculi were much more efficient than humans precisely because they weren’t always letting their dumb feelings get in the way and expecting someone else to pick up the slack. There _wasn’t_ anyone else. They didn’t _need_ anyone else.

And they had a job to do.

Their eyes narrowed as they made their way over to the cat flap and flicked it enough times with their first set of hands to see it come open. Further shoves allowed their whole head to poke through to the other side. It was far less frustrating than the computer, but getting caught in it with just their tail spinning around like a malfunctioning helicopter and no way of escape would somehow be even more humiliating and harder to explain to the likes of Lust and Greed. Their legs kicked hard enough to topple them forward, and to their massive relief and frustration at once they landed face down against the dirty garden tiles.

They had one good reason to be outside, they’d decided.

“Hey! Sloth! We’re not on vacation here! No time to take a day off!” Leaving a trail of slippery leaves and grass blades in their wake, they scampered over to the behemoth of a homunculus who was currently flat on his back, taking up a good deal of the vast expanse of a backyard they’d somehow scammed some poor sap into letting them borrow. “Wake up, Sleepyhead! It’s time to get to work!”

It was one thing being brushed aside by their ridiculous ‘older’ siblings, but they did have a few ‘family members’ who still looked up to them.

Figuratively speaking.

The response they got was a weary grunt.

“Are you serious right now? Sloth.” They patted the side of their sleeping sibling’s head rather roughly, though it probably felt like a tiny tap at best, if they were being completely honest with themself about their current power level. Their whole body tensed in a sudden panic as he stirred, and they found themself several feet in the air within a second, clinging onto long trailing strands of the other sin’s hair for dear life. “Hey!”

“Envy ...?” Sloth’s head shook from side to side as he tried to place where the squeaky voice was coming from, and Envy shrieked harder as they scrambled to climb up on top of his head. Their brother was faster than he looked - even they forgot that from time to time. “Where ...are you?”

“Envy’s up here, right up until you _squash_ me!!” Envy screamed, jumping up and down at the sight of a large shadow of a hand emerging above them. “Don’t scratch your head! Hey! Don’t you dare scratch your head!”

If a question mark could have popped up above the bigger sin’s head right now, it most certainly would have. Now having finally placed the precarious position of his older sibling, he opted to rub his eye instead.

“Where ...am _I_?”

The smaller sin blinked fretfully, already exasperated by the accidental attempt on their dwindling life force. “You don’t KNOW?!”

“No.”

“Ugh.” Envy climbed shakily down onto their brother’s arm. Now he wanted _answers_? A coughing fit overcame them as they nearly lost their balance - it felt like they were choking on a hairball. Blech. Their mouth shouldn’t have felt so dry, breathing should have helped by now. Panting should have helped. Closing their eyes should have done something to make the sky stop spinning. They rubbed the spot where their nose would have been and sat abruptly as Sloth stared on at them. “Know what? Neither do I. What are we even doing here in this big old dump anyway, Sloth?”

“Hmm.” Sloth’s eye slowly glazed over as he began to consider his response. Envy could tell he was looking right through them, though what had caught his attention they couldn’t quite tell.

“No. Don’t answer.” Why was Sloth even here? He was never going to blend in with humankind. What, was he going to be a door to door salesman who scared the life out of people by towering above them and silently demanding they buy cookies? He could barely even fit inside their would-be house and it _really_ wasn’t made for someone his size. That must have been why they kept him outside, which was not an ordinary human practice in this day and age no matter how unusual your family members were. If their siblings were going to pretend to act like a bunch of humans, they really needed to get their act together. “You know what? Just ...sleep.”

“Can’t ...sleep.”

Envy’s eyes twitched - one by one. “You can’t sleep? Are you kidding me?”

“...Get in trouble.” Sloth was staring into the distance now.

“You’ve been sleeping for like a month! You’re already IN trouble!” The reptilian creature would have smirked if their mouth had allowed it, continuing in a mournful and mocking tone. “Oh, you poor thing! I wonder what’s in store for poor Sloth when Father gets here!”

“Poor me ...”

“What’s he gonna do when he finds out you’ve been sleeping on the job for so long?” Envy’s eye twitched. Frustration had already hit hard, but they needed to push past it. They needed to get a rise out of _someone_. “Just think!”

Sloth considered this for a moment - Envy thought, anyway. Then he replied simply: “Don’t want to.”

The tiny sin snapped. “You don’t want to think about it?!”

“Too much to think about.” The soft shrug of Sloth’s hefty shoulders nearly caused Envy to fall again. They clung tightly, tail twitching and shuddering as they began to realise how cold they were.

“You’re right.” The small lizard hissed, though it came out as more of a wheeze. “Who _cares_? Who _cares_ if we’re useless? Who _cares_ if he makes better plans without us?”

Before their shuddering could turn into sniffles, Sloth slumped on his back again in agreement. “Good.”

Envy scanned their sibling’s face for an answer as they climbed on top of his resting body. “Huh?”

“Less ...work ...”

“Agreed.” Envy flattened themself, defeated. No sound of a heartbeat, but their brother’s chest was rising and falling rhythmically, and the world was spinning a little less frantically when they closed their eyes.

Was that what made humans feel safe? A heartbeat? And wasn’t it pitiful how they even had to calm down? Didn’t their kind find it inconvenient that there had to be so many of them just to take on the smallest of problems?

The tiny homunculus sniffled, closing their eyes tightly. They wouldn’t cry; their stupid tears would probably freeze over. They yawned in time with their younger brother. They stretched out their little legs. He was cold, just like them - only Greed felt remotely warm. But he’d just _love_ to hear that, wouldn’t he? They rose and fell gently in time with Sloth’s breathing, and the world around them began to slow down just a little. Or maybe their thoughts did.

Was this how humans felt?

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of came up with this on the spot this evening and rolled with it. Very unfinished. Badly needs a laugh track and a cheesy 80s opening if it’s going to survive.


End file.
